


The Talk

by marmolita



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, Sex Talk, chocobro bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 18:29:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11834523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marmolita/pseuds/marmolita
Summary: Gladio gives Noctis some advice about what to do on his wedding night.  Noctis, unsurprisingly, wishes he could disappear into his seat.





	The Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this kinkmeme prompt](http://ffxv-kinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/4113.html?thread=6333713#cmt6333713) for Gladio giving Noct some Manly Advice (TM). Thanks to r3zuri for beta!

"So Noct, you prepared for your wedding night?" Gladio asks.

Noctis rolls his eyes. "Can we not?" he asks, burrowing his head in his arms and pretending to nap. He actually wouldn't mind a nap, especially if it would save him from more teasing about his upcoming nuptials.

"I'm just saying, you don't want to disappoint Lady Lunafreya with a poor performance." Gladio is grinning; Prompto snorts, and Noctis sighs. "And I've never seen you with any girls, so it's not like you've got any experience, right?"

"Shut uuuuuup," Noctis moans.

"I certainly never saw any evidence of women in your apartment," Ignis remarks. "Though I don't know any woman who would want to brave the mess."

"Not you too, Specs. Prompto, help me out, get them to stop."

"I dunno, buddy, they have a point. Couldn't hurt to listen, right?" Prompto has betrayed him utterly, and Noctis sinks even lower in his seat, feeling a flush start to rise in his cheeks.

"I've _seen_ porn," Noctis mutters. "I know how it works."

Gladio laughs. "Porn isn't real life," he says. "Don't expect Lady Lunafreya to act like a porn star in bed."

Noctis lets his forehead thump against the side of the car. Of course he doesn't expect Luna to act like a porn star. Right? He's never really thought about it.

(That's a lie. He's absolutely thought about it. But if he admits it then the guys will tease him even more.)

"Listen, first you have to know about anatomy. Did they teach you anything in sex ed?"

"Yeah!" Prompto says, leaning over his seat, and Noctis is almost grateful for him jumping in except for how he's also embarrassed as hell that Prompto sounds _interested in hearing more_. "All the basics, you know, diagrams and everything. Even a video of a baby being born, which, ew, gross." Okay, _there's_ an image Noct didn't need; obviously if he marries Luna he'll be expected to produce an heir.

"I'm not gonna be able to stop you from lecturing me, am I?"

"Hey, my job is keeping you safe. Don't want an angry wife to cut off your--"

"That's quite enough," Ignis interrupts. "Perhaps we can dispense with this bickering and move on to something that may actually be educational?"

"You got it," Gladio says with a smile. He turns back to Noctis, who thinks maybe if he slouches low enough, the car will swallow him up whole. "Lunafreya is a princess. You gotta treat her right."

Noctis can't help sniping back, "I'm a prince, I don't see you treating me right," but he's ignored.

"Don't move too fast. Women need some time to warm up. First off, no floppy lips when you're kissing her. Floppy lips aren't fun for anyone." Noctis wishes he could interrupt Gladio and say that he knows about kissing, but the fact is that he actually doesn't, and that makes it even worse. He's pretty sure even Prompto knows more about kissing than he does. "Start with your mouth closed, then open it up just a little. Don't try to shove your tongue down her throat, just, you know, take it easy."

He thinks, for a moment, that he might actually die of embarrassment before this conversation is done. Prompto is snickering, but Noct is somewhat comforted by the fact that his friend's pale skin shows his blush clearly.

"Put your hands on her waist. Don't get too handsy right away and try to grab her ass or anything."

"You realize you're talking about _my fiancee_ , right?" Noct mutters. He's starting to feel like he needs to defend her honor and make sure that Gladio's not actually thinking about _Luna's ass_ , gods.

"What I'm trying to tell you is that you need to take things slow, even though you're probably gonna feel like it's torture. Kiss her lips, kiss her neck, then you can start moving your hands other places. Women like having their breasts touched, but be gentle."

He tries not to think about grabbing Luna's boobs. He tries not to think about _Gladio_ grabbing Luna's boobs. He fails.

"Keep her clothes on -- and yours -- as long as you can. Try not to, uh, go off before you get your pants off, but if you do, don't worry about it, I'm sure you'll be able to go again."

Even Ignis looks a little uncomfortable by this point, and Prompto's turning redder. "I'm not fourteen," Noctis says grouchily.

"Maybe not, but that doesn't mean you won't get ahead of yourself. If she's as inexperienced as you, you're gonna want to use your hands first." _If?_ Great, now Noctis is just wondering if Luna's had boyfriends, if she's kissed anyone else, if she's-- These are not the things he wants to be thinking about her. "If she's not wet when you get your hand down there, go back to kissing and touching, okay? Then when she's ready, start by rubbing her clit."

"Dude," Prompto protests weakly, "Noct had a point, maybe we shouldn't talk about Lady Lunafreya . . . "

"You can pretend we're talking about someone else if you want," Gladio says, shrugging, "but we all know who Noct's gonna be going to bed with."

"It does seem rather indelicate," Ignis says thoughtfully, "but I suppose there's no delicate way to approach this particular topic."

Noctis is very determinedly _not_ thinking about rubbing Luna's-- her-- 

Damn it.

"So you rub her clit, it's the bump up near the front. Don't do it too hard. Just try going in circles around it, most girls like that. Ask her what she likes, and listen to what she says."

"When did you become an expert on women?" Noctis interrupts. It's worth a try to get Gladio to talk about himself instead but it's a long shot.

"I'm probably the only one of you who's ever been with one," he replies, then glances at Ignis in the mirror. "Dunno about you, Iggy, sorry."

"Hey!" Prompto protests, but as usual, nobody listens. Noctis is pretty sure if Prompto had been sleeping with anyone he would have heard about it, but it's not like he spent 24 hours a day with him for the past few years, so the possibility exists.

Ignis deflects gracefully. "I believe you were attempting to educate His Highness, not discuss the rest of us."

"Right. So Noct, you get her good and wet, get her worked up--" Noctis groans again and buries his face back in his hands. Through his fingers he can still see Gladio grinning at him. The bastard is probably enjoying his humiliation. "Then you slide your fingers back, feel your way along until you find her hole."

"Gladio is, of course, referring to the vagina. Women have more than one 'hole' as you ought to have learned from your classes." Ignis adjusts his glasses and glances at him in the rear view mirror. Noctis tries his best not to think about how many holes Luna has, much less putting his fingers in them. In one of them. In--

He wonders if it would be possible to warp himself out of this conversation.

"Look, if your finger doesn't go in easy, don't put your finger there. It's not that complicated. Start with one finger, but keep rubbing her clit while you do it if you can manage it. Try not to get too distracted by whatever she's doing to you, if she's trying to jerk you off or whatever." Gladio continues on, sounding amused by the whole situation, but even Prompto has turned back around in his seat now, pulling out his camera to pretend to fiddle with it. Noct hopes Prompto's not planning on taking photos of him for blackmail material, because gods help him, he's starting to get hard. It's not his fault, it's fucking Gladio's fault, talking like that, making him think about doing all those things to Luna, making him think about Luna doing things to _him_.

"Work your way up to two fingers, then three, before you put your dick in her. If she's a virgin you don't wanna hurt her so you gotta go slow." He pauses, considering, then adds, "If she's not a virgin just let her tell you what to do from the beginning and don't worry about any of it."

"Enough!" Noctis bursts out finally. "Enough, okay, I don't think you need to tell me where it goes from there." He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, crossing his legs and willing his erection to go away before Gladio notices it and things get even worse. "Besides, we're almost to Hammerhead."

"Ah yes, quite right," Ignis says as he begins to slow down the car. "Perhaps Prompto can attempt to apply these lessons to his pursuit of Cindy, though I must say, based on the past it's unlikely he'll get far enough to try it."

"Aww, come on!" Prompto complains. "Not like Gladio's getting anywhere with her either, for all his talk."

"He's got you there, big guy," Noctis says, and finally Gladio looks just a bit chagrined.

In the end, nobody scores with Cindy. And if Noctis thinks about his wedding night with Luna in a bit too much detail when he's alone in the bathroom, well, that's nobody's business but his own.


End file.
